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4 pages
Political Satire | Comedy | Drama
…and how the elves ruined Christmas with their liberal agenda. Another thorn in Claus’s side had become the elves request for peace on Earth. “Everyone knows you can’t just take away the violence on Earth,” the president lamented. The elves contended that they were only looking for one 24 hour period. Claus argued that with growing technology, those times have changed since the days when dolls for little girls and teddy bears for little boys were enough. He clamored that the video games, toy guns, and dvd’s were not the problem that caused all the violence. “Toys don’t kill people. People kill people!” he said with a twinkle in his eye. It isn’t 1791 anymore he argued when we wrote the 2nd Clause. With the naughty part becoming more and more of an increasing problem the Elves thought there should be a change in the Clause. They weren’t looking at eliminating any of the existing toys but putting an end to the new production of toys they deemed problematic. Back in the day the elves argued that the toy guns produced could only shoot once per minute before reloading with toy gun powder and ammunition. Today’s toy guns can fire 100’s of rounds per minute and encourage youth with the excitement of more fire power and destruction. While watching Raposa News one night, Claus heard from the head of the National Toy Association that they believed that taking away violent themed toys was not the answer. In fact they suggested, “The only thing that stops a bad kid with a toy is a good guy with a gun.” Indeed Claus thought. Let’s not create more toys but build more guns in the workshops. We will implement armed gunman at every mall, school, theatre, college, church, Sikh, Amish community, workplace, postal office, grocery store, apartment building, posted hunting lands in Wisconsin... Before Claus could add to a new list he was creating he was interrupted with, “How you gonna pay for it?” asked a curious elf standing by watching the list forming in the mind of Claus. The North Pole was also looking at falling over the listal cliff. If they weren’t to rein in the lists they already had they would surely go over the cliff. Here we have Santa creating a new list of gunman to be employed around the globe when they still hadn’t even completed the thrice checking let alone the foursies! The elves contended that you can’t just put armed gunman everywhere. “With all the mass shootings on Earth in recent years, the crazed gunmen were actually law abiding citizens before they went on their sprees.” One elf pointed out. He continued, “Not much for records at all if any in fact. Most could legally purchase their own guns and statistics showed that more people are killed by people they are familiar with in domestic violence by a 4-1 margin than by gang bangers and the like. Ergo, putting armed people in front of schools, etc. would actually be more likely to produce more carnage as you could have just potentially armed the very person who they were preventing from doing harm in the first place.” “What?” said Santa. “That’s just nonsensical thinking! Besides, if you take away the toys, they will just find another way.” “You mean like walking up to the armed protector and shooting him and taking his gun and increasing his arsenal?” “We aren’t talking about taking away the existing toys, and how does us producing guns instead of toys benefit anyone? When did Christmas become an institution for building Glocks and AR-15’s for every child? What happened to teddy bears and dolls?” “I can’t think.” Santa exclaimed looking mightily puzzled. “I know! We arm everyone. When a bad guy starts shooting a good guy will take him OUT!” “…and then another good guy takes out THAT good guy mistaking him for the bad guy. Then another good guy shoots THAT good guy thinking the same. Next thing you know it’s a turkey shoot and we have brought Earth back to the 1800’s and a Wild West mentality. Good one Santa!” shouted another elf. Times were tight, tight, tight in Santa’s workshop and not getting any better as the two sides were falling increasingly farther apart in their original listal talks. Any new lists would have to be ratified after the New Year. In the end the elves did not want to be perceived as the bad guys so they caved on all but on requirement. Peace on Earth for one full 24 hour period. Christmas day was already lost but Claus was hoping for at least an end of the year agreement in order to not forgo Christmas all together for 2012. He reluctantly agreed to the proposal and the clock chimed to proclaim the start of Peace on Earth. His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work. He sprinkled some mushrooms; then turned with a jerk. Laying his finger aside of his nose, He gave it a blow, to cure the world and her woes. Toy nuts and NTA enthusiasts contend that taking away toys from law abiding citizens will leave only illegals (these are a reference to non north pole patriots that cross over the snow to create toys at a reduced wage and stay in the Pole and have pole babies and live off the Claus), and criminals carrying toys. What then they argue? The elves reiterated for the 3947th time in the last three days that they weren’t going after the toys, or even the existing toy guns for that matter. They were just looking at not making any more high capacity assault toy weapons and toy magazines. Alice Jones, a self proclaimed library card carrying librarytarian retorted, “So what you’re saying is that you are going after our toy guns then?” Already feeling less than a man with his less than man like given birth name of Alice, Mr. Jones, a prominent right-arm radio host went one further while appearing on the liberal agenda funded NPNN show five minutes later saying that, "I'm here to tell you, 1776 will commence again if you try to take our toys! Doesn't matter how many reindeer you get out there on the sleigh, begging for 'em to have their toys taken. We will not relinquish them. Do you understand?!?! That's why you're going to fail, and the Claus knows, no matter how Elfin’ Elf your propaganda, Heat Miser will rise again!" As the ground continued to stay cold… the temperatures were rising inside the halls of the North Pole. In all the heated arguments, many hadn’t noticed what happened on Earth. 24 hours had passed after Santa delivered his State of the Santa nose purge and the mushroom stimulated population had waged peace for the entire time frame requested by the Elves. Christmas was on and not a day too late. Preparations were made and Santa loaded his overnight bag and then pulled out a dime bag from his oversized red jump suit and sprinkled magic dust on the nine reindeer that would soon pull his sleigh. "Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On Donder and Blitzen! Years before all this, magic dust was outlawed and the only time it was legally allowed was in cases of medicinal purposes or in special cases… or more specifically one that allows reindeer to fly. In the early years, before reindeer were settled on as the animal of flight, pigs were considered a viable candidate to pull the venerable sleigh and it’s President. The experiment failed miserably as they realized pigs don’t fly. We were on the dawn of a new year. 2013 was almost upon us. It was a glorious moment in North Pole history. The listal cliff and a comprehensive anti assault weapon toy act would have to wait until the New Year fell upon the North Pole. Like an Olympic athlete, President Claus came in full sprint from his colonial estate to his awaiting subjects. And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!" The next day Santa was pronounced dead at an Orlando Florida Hospital after spending seven hours in surgery. He was shot 87 times after entering a home in Florida through the chimney being rented by Jorge Zipperman. Preliminary reports show that Santa was opening a can of beer and eating cookies left next to the Christmas tree. Experts believe he may have possibly been baited. The homeowner said it was in self defense and is using the controversial Shoot First, Stand Your Ground, Then Check if it’s Santa Law. |